volcanogod. welcome to town.

12.23.2004, 11:53 pm

i fucking hate nights like these

=== © ===

so we've been planning around these brownies. the plan is to go to a museum. our choices are:

a)the metropolitan museum of art
b)the museum of modern art
c)the museum of natural history

all three sound awesome to me.

i've been talking to jen and steve and scott and annie to try to figure out who's in, where we're going when, etc. things were looking good.

and then jen just called me and is like "i dont know if its a good idea if i do the brownies."

so i think about it: maybe its not a good idea. every time we've smoked since before we even got to LA, she freaks out while high. i dont like it when she freaks out. i dont like seeing her unhappy, much less uncontrollably unhappy, and if i may be selfish, its not fun dealing with. especially since I'M usually trying not to freak out myself.

so i said "hmm, yeah i dunno, maybe youre right." BIG MISTAKE.

she got pissy that my first reaction wasn't something like "well what are we going to do together instead."

is it just me, or is that not fair? isn't that a loaded thing to say?

she said when i said that i dont want to be the only one not on shrooms that time at annie's, she didn't do them, even though she was considering it. thats totally different, we weren't planning the shrooms, it was just an option.

she also didn't like that this thing has taken on a life of its own. i understand that, and i guess i let it get a little out of hand. like this is the focal point of the whole trip, and not to see each other during the holidays and see our friends. i'm sorry for that.

she doesn't want to be left out, so i shouldn't do it too. i'm sorry, it sucks. i want you to be there, 100%, with me.

but you know what? i'm going to see scott and steve and damien and sam and joe and annie too, whom i haven't seen for 6 months. and i wasn't the one who left LA for 3 weeks (and planning 4, i wasn't even included in the new york part at all) without even consulting my boyfriend before making a decision. yeah yeah, thanksgiving, a bar mitzvah, christmas all have to involve your family. but i wasn't even told. or invited.

and i'm not trying to be petty here, like oh well you said fuck me, well fuck you too. i dont want to be like that. i'm jsut saying, its hypocritical to get mad when i think about your health and preventing a psychotic episode before whether or not i'm going to change what i'm doing. i'm sorry it wasn't my first reaction. jesus.

and at the risk of being scattered and disorganized, on top of her planning to go home without me, she knows she always has a miserable time at home yet planned to be there for an extraordinarily long time. not just a miserable time, like totally causing disorders to get worse.

its just not fair to say i'm not putting her at the top of the list when sometimes it feels like she's not putting me at the top of hers.

i fucking hate nights like these.

	it hurts
	«previous« = [ archive = new = profile = notes = email = host ] = »next» 12.23.2004, 11:53 pm i fucking hate nights like these === © === so we've been planning around these brownies. the plan is to go to a museum. our choices are: a)the metropolitan museum of art b)the museum of modern art c)the museum of natural history all three sound awesome to me. i've been talking to jen and steve and scott and annie to try to figure out who's in, where we're going when, etc. things were looking good. and then jen just called me and is like "i dont know if its a good idea if i do the brownies." so i think about it: maybe its not a good idea. every time we've smoked since before we even got to LA, she freaks out while high. i dont like it when she freaks out. i dont like seeing her unhappy, much less uncontrollably unhappy, and if i may be selfish, its not fun dealing with. especially since I'M usually trying not to freak out myself. so i said "hmm, yeah i dunno, maybe youre right." BIG MISTAKE. she got pissy that my first reaction wasn't something like "well what are we going to do together instead." is it just me, or is that not fair? isn't that a loaded thing to say? she said when i said that i dont want to be the only one not on shrooms that time at annie's, she didn't do them, even though she was considering it. thats totally different, we weren't planning the shrooms, it was just an option. she also didn't like that this thing has taken on a life of its own. i understand that, and i guess i let it get a little out of hand. like this is the focal point of the whole trip, and not to see each other during the holidays and see our friends. i'm sorry for that. she doesn't want to be left out, so i shouldn't do it too. i'm sorry, it sucks. i want you to be there, 100%, with me. but you know what? i'm going to see scott and steve and damien and sam and joe and annie too, whom i haven't seen for 6 months. and i wasn't the one who left LA for 3 weeks (and planning 4, i wasn't even included in the new york part at all) without even consulting my boyfriend before making a decision. yeah yeah, thanksgiving, a bar mitzvah, christmas all have to involve your family. but i wasn't even told. or invited. and i'm not trying to be petty here, like oh well you said fuck me, well fuck you too. i dont want to be like that. i'm jsut saying, its hypocritical to get mad when i think about your health and preventing a psychotic episode before whether or not i'm going to change what i'm doing. i'm sorry it wasn't my first reaction. jesus. and at the risk of being scattered and disorganized, on top of her planning to go home without me, she knows she always has a miserable time at home yet planned to be there for an extraordinarily long time. not just a miserable time, like totally causing disorders to get worse. its just not fair to say i'm not putting her at the top of the list when sometimes it feels like she's not putting me at the top of hers. i fucking hate nights like these. volcanogod v3.0. additionally, hands.
	this. fucking. much.